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Archivo para la Categoría "Mi Alma"

Mami’s Birthday

Last night as we were juggling School Open Houses and homework routines, my wife reminded me that it was My Mami’s Birthday. The entire room went silent and I wish you could have witnessed the reaction painted on the face of each child. As you may already know, I am considered the practical, matter of fact and “less emotional” half of this household and at that moment all eyes were on me.  In accordance with my reputation I said “Oh My God I had forgotten, we need to celebrate this weekend”. Armani put on his sad face, Laura attempted to make a joke of what she perceives should be a sad day and Gabriela and Kamyiah, well you know those two are always in their own world.  My wife turned back to her computer screen, I assume, deciding to see how I was going to handle this J.

I asked Armani why he was sad to which he replied “because I did not have the opportunity to meet her”, now remember he is only 8.  Armani, I said, that is true yet now that she is in Spirit is so much easier to have her near all the time.  As enlightened as we strive to be I do not think he was satisfied with that answer.  Laura, of course, rides on my attitude and started joking about the fact that usually in this household the Birthday of a relative that has passed on is a sad occasion. I said in my most convincing tone, “guys, grandma’s birthday is cause for celebration, dancing, laughing and more”.  I walked away leaving that statement lingering in the room.

Today, I have been at home taking care of Armani, cooking, cleaning, working and thinking.  I started a conversation with Mami about her Birthday, which by the way is really nonexistent where she is at since every day is a celebration.  I asked her to remind me what she wants us to remember. Mami is always eager to talk and I had to sit and listen and write.

Kathy, she says, (my middle name),  do you remember the times you felt like you had this big rock inside this little box and you came to me for relief?  That feeling, as nerve wracking as it was, was the best feeling anyone can experience.  You see,  (at this point I am wondering when mami learned to speak English), most humans walk around assuming that the contours of their body are who they are. You, on the other hand, FELT differently always.  That HUGE rock was and is always your Spirit asking to be released, to be noticed, to be heard as it reveals the real YOU. Kathy, I chose you as my one and only daughter because in those 33 years I was honored to evolve so much because of you.  My Soul had been constrained every other lifetime I chose and being your Mother gave me the opportunity to know who we really are. Mamita, (she calls me that) there is this ummmmm, let’s call it incredible energy for lack of a better word, that transcends anything the human brain can grasp. It is the most beautiful joyous powerful blanket whose threads are interwoven through each human being. This Energy which you call Spirit is what you feel when you are in Love and that person loves you back. It is what you feel when you your child comes home safe after you worried for hours. It is the colors of each flower blended and magnified a million times. It is the playful creator of planets, galaxies, Universes, ants and dinosaurs. It walks with you and rejoices when you acknowledge its presence and open the doors for it to enter. It loves to give and carries around this treasure chest full of everything you can ever imagine and more. Like a playful puppy wagging its tail, it loves to surprise you by gifting you whatever you ask for IN LOVE.    Kathy, I was able to open my doors the moment you were born. I lived 22 human years experiencing what you call loss, grief, abandonment, sense of worthlessness and attempted to end my life many times.  Spirit walked with me but I never opened the door because I knew of no such door.  I was surrounded by a Patriarchal household (WOW mami using big words) where my voice was insignificant.  Mamita you were born on February 18, 1965 at 2:13 p.m. and Spirit walked in! It waited 22 years looking for a window of opportunity and when that Nurse with the big weird hat brought you to me, what I felt was that thing you call Spirit, God, Allah and many other names.  Kathy, you are such an amazing old soul that you are the one who asked me to be your Mother.  Spirit led me to choose you so that it may touch the lives of so many others.  Kathy, keep on telling and then keep on telling.  Tell them that Life is such an adventure. Let them know that each person has the power to move planets and make new worlds.  Tell them that their pain is not real because when you allow Spirit in there is no pain.  Teach them that they are not their body as it is only a vessel gifted so they may utilize the senses required in this planet. Teach them about Love. Yes, as humans you will feel grief, hunger, pain, joy, love, excitement, confusion, and more, but please please remember it is your body experiencing this and not YOU. If you can separate yourself from it during those moments when it does not serve you OH what a relief you will feel.  It’s like you get in your car to get to a destination. The car may run out of gas or it may get a flat tire.  It will affect you but you are not the car. Same thing with your Body, don’t you see? You have a body to take you to a destination. Take good care of it as you do with your car (well some of you).  When an event or a person causes that body pain, grief, hurt, remember you are not that body and they are not that body doing whatever they are doing.  They too have forgotten what LOVE is. 

Kathy being a human has many advantages and that is why energy created this world. Sort of like playing dress up or putting on a costume. Remember this is temporary and next time you’ll choose another costume and so on.  If you remember this it will make you laugh.  It’s like choosing a part in a play and not realizing that it’s all part of the act and at the end of the play you go back home.  Some will say, oh no but that really hurt or that person was abused or that man was killed, etc etc etc.  Yes it all happened because that is what that soul chose as its part in this play.  You may not like it or agree with it.  That person may not like it or agree with it until they open the door to Spirit or until the play is over.  It just is.  So mamita, continue the road you have chosen and know that we are so proud of you for living the human life you chose.  Keep searching because your curiosity is your most celestial trait. Keep giving even if you think it is not being received. Keep loving yourself even if at times you forget what an amazing human you are. Work on that EGO as you are doing. Yes I told you always that you were Special, that you are a shiny megastar in this world. I told you that you have a big heart and are too nice. I told you that the absolute best thing that happened in my life was birthing you. I told you that my world revolved around you. I told you all this because you saved me Kathy. Yes, you taught me that no one can touch who I really am. You taught me how to separate my human body from the I that I am and will always be. Through you I learned it all and thought I was teaching you.  Yes, most of the parents think they are doing the teaching when it’s really the other way around ALWAYS.

I can say so much more and I will but that will be many books. Start here and know that I am so proud of your ability to recognize Spirit in you and others.  Que la Luz te Envuelva mi hija!

SHE

It is not the beauty, it is clearly abundant

It is not the wisdom, though it is evident

It is not her sensuality which hypnotizes

It is not the way a place is transformed when she walks in

It’s the treasure discovered when you delve inside

It’s her inquisitive nature and how she laughs

It’s how she makes other feel with just a smile

It’s the soothing provided by her loving words

It’s the comfort of being in the presence of a Lady

It’s the years of walking together, laughing, crying, loving, hurting, Learning

Its discovering self through her eyes and facing the need to grow

It’s knowing that two hearts find home only in her….only in you

A

Historia de Amor

Hoy decidi empezar una historia de amor conmigo misma

Me desperte enamorada de el color de mis suenos

Por primera vez descubri las curvas de mis labios llenos

Los rayos vibrantes de mis grandes ojos y el esplendor de mi sonrisa

 

Hoy me permiti sentir mis manos acariciar mi piel lentamente

Sentir el calor tierno que vuela suavemente en mi perfecta anatomia

Tocar mi pelo como lo hace un amante mientras descubro que se siente

Entender yo misma lo que a otros he regalado libremente

 

Hoy camine hacia el espejo majestuosamente como la Diosa que soy

Observe mis Fuertes delicados brazos tocar brevemente el son de mis caderas

Persegui mi Mirada fijada en el fuego de mi pequena cintura

Asombrada antes las Corrientes de pasion que nacieron en mi pecho

 

Hoy pude recorrer piernas torneadas acarameladas lentamente sin hablar

Sentir la maravillosa curva que otros ojos disfrutan y creer en Milagros

Deje mi mano descansar sobre un Corazon fortalecido por el tiempo

Juro que escuche voces angelicales repetir mi nombre

 

Hoy cerre los ojos y navegue mi alma cuidadosamente

Me deje embriagar con una luz brillante que ya cubria mi cuerpo

Habite mi hogar, mi templo, mi pasado y presente

Y quede indudablemente locamente enamorada de mi

 

A

Armani

How do I not confess the melody that my heart sings since you were born on that cold January 3, 2003?

You came into my life when I least expected to be blessed with an extension of my soul and the moment I held you all was perfect in my world. My life began to change as your body molded into mine and your every breath gave life to my heart. A tiny body with an incredible soul given to me as a gift from above. It was clear from that first day I looked into your eyes that you were destined to be mine. My heart overflowed with joy imaging my mami smiling down proud of the happiness she had blessed me with.

My son, every day spent with you made my love stronger and our bond indestructible. Your first smile looking into my eyes, your source of comfort laid in my arms. Your home was the curvature of my body as if you searched for a way inside of me. We were one and I was proud to have found the extension of my soul. To have had the honor of your kisses, your tears and your incredible laugh has been the highlight of my life. When you look at me with those eyes that tell me we belong to each other, I hear the Angels sing in joy. You are God’s greatest perfection and he decided that it was I that was to be blessed with enjoying every minute of you in your earlier years.

The cheeks of an angel, the most beautiful feet and the most tender hands. I recall the time my heart failed me when you had to have surgery and were less than 3 months old. I felt that a part of me was in agony and at that moment I realized that I belong to you for eternity. I don’t know what God Plans for us but I know God is always good and full of love. I have faith that I will feel your warmth next to me every night as we share our dreams. I believe that the heavens know that the thought of losing you is my certain death. When you grow you will understand so much and most of all you will remember that my love for you is above any love I have ever felt.

My chocolate Baby with the most beautiful feet, my adoration, you who brought to me every fear a mommy brings forth. I was terrified of any harm coming to you, like a vigilante I watched your every move and cried your tears when you were hurt. I rocked you for hours at night when you couldn’t find your sleep and we both drifted off into space running through flower fields in our dreams. As you grew you never let me forget that you are my baby and will always be. Events and circumstances may threaten to separate us but I have faith My Son that in the end we will be reunited again.

The sparkle in your eye are the stars in my sky. Your voice sings melodies that make my heart dance in joy. The little things you do to show me your love are forever engraved in my heart. I love that you like to sleep so close to me so that our bodies share the same breath and our skin shares our warmth. The beating of your heart when I wrap my arms around you is the perfect accompanying melody to our song.

There was not a place I went without you because you are an extension of me. It was agonizing to be away from you at any point and I rushed to get back home to feel complete.

My Baby, things look as if they will change but I will believe for the both of us. God is watching and knows that we all need you and that love has no walls. I will be forever your mami and you will be forever my son.

Be strong my boy and know that no matter what we cannot be separated because you and me were destined by the Universe to live the most beautiful pure love story of a Mami and her son.

I love You Armani.

Still

stumbled out of bed
as I usually do…….not quite out of the dream
my hands opening the pocket doors
one of them always seems to get stuck
saw you standing there
…your eyes reciting stories from a distant past
looking at me as you used to
when the world was
you
and
me
started to smile
then I remembered
hurried past you
silently
our hearts cried another tear

Niña Perdida

Permiteme un momento mientras busco en libros de primaria las palabras necesarias para hablar contigo, para que tu entiendas….. Aun a mi edad el Ego vive y es por temor a que confundas la intención que me he tragado las palabras que tienes tan merecida.  Ah, perdona, te decía que buscaba en los libros de primaria y aquí estoy hablándole Ingles a un Frances…

Aprovecho esta oportunidad para recordarte lo que es el respeto que se merece cada ser humano, 

cuando se te abre la puerta de una casa, cuando se te ha escuchado sin  juzgar, cuando te brindan amistad y confianza, cuando se te acepta tal y cual eres y mas cuando la intención siempre fue clara y honesta.

 Los sabios dicen que una no debe nunca juzgar a nadie ,  mas tu verdad grita al mundo que  continuas  arrebatando  migajas, miserias y desperdicios…..tal animal hambriento….nina perdida.. vestida de Madre Teresa ……

disfrutando de la destrucción de otros ….

ya que esta te produce flores y golosinas…. despues de todo quien te culpa?

Aquel que vive sediento de atención toma medida drásticas y se hace el ciego, sordo, mudo que ha perdido la razón. Y piensas que si te escondes nadie se da cuenta de esta triste y sucia situación?

Mas no estoy aquí para satisfacer tu hambriento ego ni cambiar la situación…,estas hundida en las profundidades de la envidia y yo me alejo…. Estoy aquí porque es mi derecho hablar y recordarte que te conozco ya. Desde mi ventana clara te he visto rondar como quien observa un bebe aprender a caminar. En el pasado  extendi mi mano cuando intentabas tus primeros pasos… nina perdida.  Pasaron por mi mente recuerdos de conversaciones, lagrimas y carcajadas muy lejanas.

Una nunca sabe para quien trabaja, dijo un sabio, y ya vemos que tan cierto estaba.

Hoy decidi levantarme y antes de decir Adios llegar a hablarte . Esto lo hago por mi ….mas te lo regalo a ti porque quiero que mañana, cuado recogas tu siembra, recuerdes este tiempo. Manana, cuando te encuentres en el fondo de ese abismo en que permaneces, cuando hagas tu papel de victima y no puedas continuar la actuacion, recuerda…….

Recuerda y aprende que vale mas el respeto, la integridad, la honestidad y un honesto corazón, que las migajas que sales a recoger cuando cae el sol.

Aprende que es mejor ser una memoria alegre y no una cicatriz de dolor. ……Recuerda que aquí ya no queda nada ,sin embargo no te queda mas que tratar de perfumarte  con mis cenizas. Recuerda que es triste querer vivir la vida ajena y debe ser mas triste saber que por donde pasas solo dejas veneno. 

Recuerda la diferencia entre una sinfonía y una intermisión……. que una se conoce por su acciones y seguiras germinando frustraciones………Recuerda que a pesar de todo  haces un gran favor….

 

No logre encontrar los libros de primaria. Fijate que me valorizo tanto que ya ni es necesario cambiar mi vocabulario para que me entiendas. Lo que eres queda claro cuando sale el sol………….

 

A